This is a clever piece, and clearly directed towards the megachurch crowd. There'd be some differences if the question were "What if Starbucks was run like a Catholic parish?" Here are my own speculations:
1. There wouldn't be a menu board; the presumption would be you know what to order. 2. It's likely no one would talk to you. 3. There might be lots of talk about filters, references to arcane gadgets for making coffee, and speculation about the chemical properties of coffee among the baristas 4. The place would be fairly crowded with people doing all kinds of socializing - with each other, not you (see #2 above). 5. Only a handful of people would be drinking coffee, and they'd be treated as slightly odd. 6. 48% of the folks there would doubt coffee was potable.
This reminds me of an experience Sherry and I had. We had given a workshop at a parish, went to the Saturday vigil Mass, and heard during the announcements that there'd be a pancake breakfast in the morning hosted by the Knights of Columbus. We decided to return the next day for a cheap meal before flying out of town.
When we arrived, there were large signs in front of the church advertising the breakfast. They just didn't tell you where to go. We stopped several parishioners to ask, and received directions that went something like this.
"O.K., you see that gap between the church and the school? Go over there and in the doorway in the corner of the addition connecting the two buildings, you'll find a door. Go through the door, turn left, go down the hall, turn right and open the second door on your right. Go down the steps there, and turn left at the landing at the bottom. Don't go to the right, or you'll end up lost. Go through two sets of double doors, and you'll be in the parish hall."
None of the doors, hallways, or stairwells had any signs indicating, "Pancake breakfast this-a-way." By the time we got to the first set of double doors we could smell the pancakes, so we knew we were on the right trail.